Every day journey

     I have this image of stepping out of my skin, unzipping it maybe from some unseen seam and shrugging it off like a well-worn bathrobe. Maybe by taking it off and laundering it I can remove the grime and filth that has gotten underneath and inside of it. I want to wash it out, clean it until it squeeks that way that clean things do. I'd find a clothesline in the sun and let the fresh breeze slowly blow it dry. Putting it on again would be like a rebirth; like that feeling you get when you have finally finished unpacking from a big move and the clean sheets are on the bed, you lay down and stretch out and wiggle your toes and everything is where it should be.
     But I am stuck inside this draping of humanity that feels more and more contaminated every day by my actions and deeds. I lug it around through the filth and stink that is life and can never quite seem to rid it of the odors that permeate. The constant lingering of stink reminds me that I really don't start anew every day as some would suggest; I start from where I left off the day before. No mythical creature comes in the night to erase my transgressions from memory or happenings. When I awake it is with the knowledge that I am the same bag of flesh that crawled into my bed the night before. This knowledge I have gained has come at a great price and the transaction cannot be refunded. Each day there are different choices that lead down paths and avenues leading to incompatible places which have new roads to choose from, we can never travel the same path twice and cannot return to where we have been. Onward we must go until the inevitable end.

Self-Awareness

It's hard to say at what point I became aware of myself as a separate and independent human being. I remember at eight years old sitting in the back seat of my parents car that I had an illumination about how big the world was, and how small a part of it I was. I was looking out into the sea of cars that were driving past and saw the people caught up in their activities, busy about their lives and realized with a thud that not one of those people had any idea what I was doing right then...and even more, none of them cared. My life, which to me was so consuming and important, had no impact on the people that lived right next door to me. I was so floored by my realizations that I felt like I was shrinking right into my seat, shrinking even smaller until the universe was overwhelmingly awesome around me that I couldn't even be worthy to be on this small dot within it. I was a speck on a dot, and no one but the few people I interacted with on a day to day basis, my parents and family, would even notice if I one day just took a leap off of it and vanished; life would go on and another would take my place. All of these specks coexist and blend together to make a daily life that is so fast and devouring that we hardly have time to appreciate the grandeur of our existence and the absolute irony of it. Life seemed so short and precarious as I pondered it that day.